媒材 Medium｜
174cm’s A4 白紙、原子筆 174cm’s A4 white paper, pen
作品介紹 Description｜
Having the worst relationship with my father, we have barely spoken to each other my entire life. There was a secret between us that made our lives fall apart, a secret that I had been hiding my entire of life.
My parents worked so hard in life to save money, to be able to send their children to study aboard, in hopes for a better future for the next generation. They have never been to U.K, never experienced such a different and diverse culture so how can I even share my new life perspective with them?
Last summer, I flew back home to take care of my father as he was having a severe heart operation. During the month whilst accompanying him at the hospital, I kept thinking that if he were to make it through this, I ought to truly treasure him, make up for lost time and rebuild our relationship.
However, before all of that, there is a crucial problem I need to deal with, which is letting him know who I actually am.
I came out to my parents as a homosexual, after gathering all of my courage. No drama, there were no tears, no fights, no arguments but more than that; no acceptance. My Father looked at me firmly, and told me: “your own happiness is not important, as the only son of the family, your destiny is to bring me a grandson.”
Of course, these were the words I had always anticipated to hear from him, in response to me letting go of my greatest secret, what else could I expect?
My studies would soon start again. I flew back to London, a place people told me that I can be whatever I want; I can do whatever I want. Does this kind of freedom really apply to me? Am I deserving of all of this? Building conflicting lives within myself; one true, the other false. Forever living with a weight on my shoulders that I will never be able to truly fulfil their expectations. Maybe I should not be too selfish, shouldn’t I try harder for them and ‘become’ heterosexual?
I feel trapped and totally blank, not sure how can I picture my future life anymore. Therefore, do me a favor, please. Take a piece of paper from the pile. Then be brave for me. Picture and draw your own perspective of life on it, either keep it, or you can kindly share it with me by leaving it next to the pile.
Be creative, be courageous be all the things you know you are capable of.
Be honest.
Kengwu Lin
06/12/2017
因為我跟我的父親，關係很糟糕，所以在我一生中我們幾乎不說話。
我們之間有一個秘密，我一生隱藏的秘密。
我的父母為了送兒女留學，拼命賺錢，希望下一代的前景如果出國可以更好。他們當時從來沒有去過英國，沒有體驗這麼不同的、多元化的文化。如此，我又如何可以跟他們分享我的前景?
去年夏天，因為我的父親要接受心臟手術，所以我回台灣陪他。當時我想，他如果康復我一定要珍惜他，彌補失去的時光，修補我們的關係。但是，在做這些之前還有一個問題，就是我如何跟他說，我到底是誰?
我鼓起勇氣向父母出櫃。沒有什麼大的問題，我們沒拌嘴，我們沒鬧翻。但是竟也沒有:接受。我父親堅定地看著我說:「你的幸福並不重要，重要的是，當獨生子你要給我生孫子。”
當然，這是我一生都期待從他聽到的話。這就是他對我揭示，我最大的秘密的反應。不然呢?
而後，學期又要再開始了，所以我回到倫敦，那邊人都說，它是一個可以做自己，做想要的事的地方。但是，我真的有這種自由嗎?我值得它?做為一個矛盾的人，一個身份為真的，一個身份為假的。總是擔心著，萬一我不能滿足我父母的期望。或許我該不要這麼自私，或許我要試試 「成為」異性戀。
我感到厭倦,心裡空白。我不確定要怎麼想象我的未來的生活會如何。所以幫我個忙。拿一片紙。然後鼓起勇氣畫下你的前景，你的計劃。
你可以隨你帶走它、或者把它放在這堆紙旁邊。
我鼓勵你，用創意、勇氣、表達你能成為的樣子。
最重要的是，誠摯。
林耕舞
06/12/2017
